Mustaches for Kids
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php
Day 27: How the Grinch stole Mustache
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051215-075605
Every Who
Down in Who-ville
Liked Mustaches a lot...
But the Grinch,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!
The Grinch hated Staches!
and Mustache growing season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were to tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his stache was two sizes too small.
And the more the Grinch thought of the Stache competition
The more the Grinch thought, "I must go on a mission"
"Why for seven long years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Stache Bash from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRINCH
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
so he grabbed some scissors,
a disposable razor,
a can of foam
And an electric shaver
Then he snuck through the city
finding stache growers there,
and while they were sleeping
he shaved their lips bare
and he found all the money
that they'd got for the kids
stuffed it all in his pockets
it only just fit!
And when every grower was totally bald
the Grinchy sat back to wait for the call,
to wait for the cry, for the wail when they found
that his was the only stache left in the town
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was at Stache Bash! Without any Mustache at all!
He HADN'T stopped Sweetest Stache from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without lip fuzz! It came without cash!
"It came without anyone having a stache!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Mustaches," he thought, "don't come from a store.
"Maybe Mustaches for Kids means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small stache
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his mustache didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought them all falsies! And brought back the cash!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch won the Stache Bash!]]>Day 26: Two shopping days left till stache bash
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051213-114510
Had to record this. This morning, not only did I get peanut butter stuck in the corners of my stache, but on the way to work it was so cold that I actually got icicles of condensation in it! I take this as a Good Sign.
]]>Days 21-25: No internet in DC
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051213-010210
Thursday 8th was the the 3rd and last checkpoint. BTW I highly recommend The Bushwick Country Club. If they'd had Delerium Tremens on draft I might have considered moving to Williamsburg.
Massive turnout, the first group photos of the mustache class of '05 look pretty damn sweet/scary. We also managed to get eight of us into the photo booth for 4 more shots. Mustache Mitch's efforts, acrobatically attached to the ceiling of the booth, were wasted as he was not in any of them.
Speculation was rife about the mustache competition on Thursday 15th. 40-45 growers are expected to compete, which is a logistical nightmare and raises questions about elimination. What grounds will people be cut on? What are the judges going to be directed to look for? Costume has been a large part of previous competitions, but will it be so this time? Bottom line, the M4K crew aren't talking. There is a veil of secrecy over the whole event. Mustache Agnes(who designed the m4k t-shirt)would not even reveal the color of this year's t-shirt, nor a single one of the rounds in the stache-bash.
These are some details I was able to get:
The competition will be hosted by Mustache Andy - Mustache King from 2003. Mustache Mitch will also not be competing this year and will be playing some role in the hosting.
I also happened upon an M4K notice in NonsenseNYC. This suggested that old favorite rounds like the mustache face off and beer foam retention would be playing a part, but that there might also be a test of how the stache feels.
I believe the t-shirt may be "multicolored",but as to the design or theme, we can only guess.
So to costumes. This is pure speculation, but the M4Ks may be trying to level the playing field so that growers without costumes are not disadvantaged. Even if this is true I don't think there is any harm in helping the judges to see the stache in its best light. However, and I can't stress this enough, it is important not to try to impose a look upon the mustache. Don't live vicariously through your stache. Let it decide what costume, if any, it needs. Let's look at some case studies:
'04 Mustache Mitch. The stache said midwest, it said hunter and Mitch listened. Mitch has a larger mustache bed than a lot of the growers and this really suggested a mature, old school look. While this is actually a very versatile mustache, this is an excellent example of one way to use it.
Mustache Josh. Josh's stache channelled Kabob seller. He had the wit to follow it. In an excellent use of props, he was actually eating a kabob through the first 3 rounds.
Stache Pirate. A supreme example. You can just make out the letters M.U.S.T on Pirate's left hand. He didn't realize that the two halves of "mustache" would read "MUST" and "ACHE" on his knuckles until his stache told him to write it there.
BAD! David Hasslehoff is trying to impose the look of Michael Knight's evil twin and nemesis, Garth Knight, with this stache(and patch). Yes, 100,000 Germans can be wrong.]]>Day 20: Obsessive Grooming
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051208-005705
I suppose you think that a mustache just looks great on its own, huh? Actually, it's exceptionally unlikely that you do think that. Whatever. I'm here to disabuse you of whatever preconceptions you may or may not have had.
Mustaches can sometimes not look their best if neglected; Mustache Mitch trimmed his mustache in only the second week and the effect was entirely impressive. Staches can also itch, hurt(as Mustache Jake mentioned to me), or smell(Mustache Ben complained of this). I can't say that the hurting or smelling are shared experiences, but every man's growing experience is different and valid. See Stachers Ben, Mitch and Jake in the M4K Gallery.
My regular mustache care usually just involves brushing with an old toothbrush. It's tried and trusted and it saw me solidly through last year. However, I just tried something a little more thorough and I rather like results.
First: Using liquid soap and the aforementioned toothbrush, lather up and scrub till it hurts with hot water...
This not only cleanses the mustacheal area, but the heat and brushing serve to stimulate the hair folicles and stir the little buggers into action. Also, I have no proof for this, I believe that hairs can sometimes get stuck on their way out. Agitating then a little helps to get them unclogged so that they can slide easily out of your face.
Apart from the pain of scrubbing your face, this feels very natural. It's just like brushing your teeth but a bit higher up and outside your mouth.
Second: Dry the mustache carefully. If using a hair dryer, you have to be careful not to heat-damage those precious hairs. The people on L'Oreal commercials tell me this can lead to breakage.
Third: Apply a skin moisturizer and rub it in with the fingers.
Here I'm using Nivea Q10 Moisturizing lotion. Apparently it has skin firming properties. I figure, if you take care of the skin the mustache will take care of itself.
Forth: Admire your slightly greasy looking stache.
It's probably best to do this before bed rather than in the morning. I'm perceived as untrustworthy enough without my stache being all shiny in public.
]]>email from the M4K posse
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051207-101820
-----------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Growers and Mustache Enthusiasts,
Well, we're more than halfway there, "there" being the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that comes with growing a sweet Mustache for four weeks.
"There" also being the warm cuddly feeling associated with raising money for a good cause. To that end, we hope that you Growers are knocking on doors, kissing babies (gently, as they have sensitive skin), and doing whatever else you do to solicit donations for the Chldren's Hospital of New Orleans.
*** This week's Checkpoint will be held on THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8 at 8pm at the BUSHWICK COUNTRY CLUB in Williamsburg (618 Grand, between Leonard and Lorimer). It's not exactly a country club, but we hear they have mini golf in the backyard. This is your last chance before the Sweetest Stache Competition to mingle with Growers and supporters. Our previous Checkpoints have been overwhelming successes. Our upper lip community has become a cohesive team, and our collective power and handsomeness is turning heads like, well, something that turns heads.
Thursday, per mustache growing rules, is also the day that all Growers, even those that don't attend the Checkpoint, must shave their faces clean, except for the sacred area between the nose and upper lip. For those of you who need extra motivation or grooming tips, check out our newly updated Grower Gallery:
There, you will find photos of our participants and you will get a tingly feeling knowing that you are part of such a team. The Mustache is, indeed, greater than the sum of its hairs.
And we must, once again, remind everyone that our SWEETEST STACHE COMPETITION will be held on THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15 at 8PM. The sweetness will be on display at FONTANA'S (105 Eldridge, between Broome and Grand). We'll be selling the uber-stylish 2005 edition of the M4K t-shirt and dispensing all sorts of Mustache cheer. If you attend one Mustache-related event this year, make it this one. You won't be disappointed. Spread the word. Spread the Stache.
The momentum of our undertaking has taken on a life of its own, so there's not much more we can say this week other than keep up the good work. We will send out one more email reminding you about the Sweetest Stache Competition.
GROWERS: be sure to check your email next week, as our next correspondence will contain important information about the procedures and regulations that govern the Competition.
Word to your Mustache,
M4K
PS. We received an email from Grower Andrew that we thought we should pass along to all of you:
I will be growing my moustache [sic] live with my band, the Golf and Racquet Club at Southpaw next Friday, December 9th at 10 pm. I'll have a Moustaches [sic] for Kids donation Jar next to the merchandise table and I'll announce the charity on stage. It would be great if other growers wanted to get some donations that night - plus I'll sing one entitled "Moustache and Teethe."
------------------------------------
Mustaches for Kids New York
Benefitting children's charities since 1999 www.m4kny.org ------------------------------------
]]>Day 19: Are you siiting comfortably? Then I'll begin...
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051207-082125
I've reached the point of stachage where the default setting for my face when getting my photo taken is *Smirk*.
It's amazing what some people will leave by the photocopier. I may have misunderstood the instructions for this:
"Stachin' Beauty" is still a work in progress...]]>Day 18: Tired
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051206-031041
This time last year, my records tell me I was pretty damn pleased with the stache. I was not specific about how long it was, but there is a measurement at Day 24: 6mm/quarter-inch. Well I just measured today, and I've already got 6mm right now! I think that may mean that I'm growing 30% faster than last year (is that right?). Rock!
*BIG NEWS*
I've put up a donation page; click DONATE in the Links section on this page, or at the bottom of each post.
stacheking out
-----------------
***DONATE TO THE KIDS***]]>Day 17: Blogs Past
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051205-235352
I wanted to check my progress versus last year, to confirm my gut feeling that my mustache is an altogether more mature beast this year. Apart from the slightly blurry photos from last year, all I have to go on is my possibly exaggerated blog from last year. It was and still is hosted on iAppleNewYork - purveyers of fine t-shirts.
I've never been much of a blogger/diarist, so the entire content from last year is not too much to include here. I've posted it in the next post down. I'll try to trawl and get a comparison later, but as the status says, I'm too lazy to right now.]]>Blogs Past....
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051205-233935
Monday, November 15, 2004, 05:08 PM
As we at I Apple NY have always claimed, we intend to donate a portion of the profits from our sweet I Apple NY t-shirts to charitable causes. Well, the time has come to put up or shut up, and we have found the worthiest of causes, Mustaches for Kids! Mustaches for Kids is an organization that raises money to help the Make-A-Wish Foundation "by growing sweet, sweet mustaches between Thanksgiving and Christmas." Participants in the competition, or "Growers," as they are called, solicit donations and basically compete to determine who can grow the sweetest stache.
Growing mustaches for charity is a concept that I Apple NY can get on board with. In fact, I Apple NY has sponsored its very own Grower, Ali "Handlebars" King. Over the next month, Handlebars will be growing his best possible mustache, while wearing an I Apple NY t-shirt. Handlebars will use this blog to chronicle his mustache growing experience...the hardships, the ridicule, the obstacles, the nose tickles. I Apple NY is going to do what "Pumping Iron" did for bodybuilding in 1977. That's right, through the eyes of Handlebars, we are going to bring the public the first inside look into the world of competitive mustache growing. Finally, the world will see that growing a mustache is not all glory, but a lot of guts.
If you would like to help Ali "Handlebars" King help the kids by growing a mustache, purchase a t-shirt during the month of November. Or feel free to make a direct donation. I Apple NY will gladly accept donations on behalf of Handlbars and will make sure all funds get to the right place.
And don't forget to check back often to read the story of Handlebars King, one man, one mustache.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Monday, November 15, 2004, 11:51 PM
You know, when we were talking about this, JakeAppleNY ran everything by me to see if I minded. Everything except for the "Handlebars" moniker, which is totally unsanctioned. It's not that I care in principle. It's just that I have worries about my top lip fulfilling the promise of the name. It's a weak link as far as my facial hair is concerned. Nonetheless I'm honored to be attached to IappleNY and to MustachesForKids in this endeavor. I've just been to the first meet&greet so I;m suitably drunk. I got a package of sponsorship sheets and some buttons that say 'Ask me about my mustache'. At some point in the evening someone said 'who wants to do an Irish car-bomb?' - these are good people. You know, for a day with no growth to speak of, a lot happened today. I'm going to save some for tomorrow. Stay tuned...
Ali "Handlebars" King
Tuesday, November 16, 2004, 06:48 PM
In the cold harsh light of a workday, the excesses of a 'stache inspired night of drinking seem less well advised. Whatever, I'd do it again in a second. In fact I will; at next week's checkin. I was wondering how I would spot the potential growers in the bar yesterday, given that the staches hadn't started yet. Turns out that in Willamsburg a table of clean shaven men stands out like a sore thumb. Also almost everyone, like I, had shortened their sideburns to the maximum legal length for competition. In fact several had parted with beards or goatees in prep for the day. I think it's safe to say that almost none of them are strangers to facial hair in some form.
I tried not to let today get me down. No less than 5 of my male colleages dissed the pitiful growth I have so far attained. One suggested that the kids could grow a better one themselves. 3 female coleages asserted that: no, honestly they COULD see it and it was coming on very well. I think women must have an instinct for lying about facial hair. I've decided to defer asking for sponsorship until I actually have something to show.
Status: sad. Some of the hairs may be up to a millimeter long, but by no means is that an average. If I get a half millimeter per day, I'm on track for almost a half-inch of 'stache. And that would be great.
TammyAppleNY
Wednesday, November 17, 2004, 12:52 AM
Ali,
You had me at handlebars. Sign me up as a sponsor. I wish you and your upper lip much luck in this most worthy endeavor. I anxiously await the progress reports.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Wednesday, November 17, 2004, 11:23 PM
Day 3. Thanks, Tammy, for your kind words. And cash.
Today I received a much needed boost. My IappleNY shirt arrived today! It was like a welcome cotton hug of support. Albeit a slightly inappropriate, intimate hug against my bare nekkid skin. What this means is that I can start recording my progress in photos. Frankly it's not much different to when I started so there's no time lost. People were generally more supportive today, although I did get one "there's some dirt on your lip" and one "where's your mustache gone?" in response to my button.
The exercise reminds me a little of when I was 6. Every night I wished as hard as I could to be a wizard, and every morning I woke up and was secretly excited; was I a wizard today? Inevitably not. As I wake now, I leap up and run to the mirror - I don't see a damn bit of difference. Must have patience.
Status: mediocre. I have instigated a regime of massage and moisturizing to stimulate the area. I figure it can't hurt. I also got a bad haircut to distract from the lip until it starts to grow in. Closer inspection of the 'stache area reveals two rival hair colors: dark brown and white blonde. The blonde are in greater numbers, but the brown are thicker, stronger and longer (no Cialis commercial intended). It will be interesting to see which faction gains dominance as time passes.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Thursday, November 18, 2004, 09:12 PM
Day 4:
I may be imagining this, but I think there is some improvement today. Can I put this down to the massage, the moisturizer, the abuse? Like a gambling addict, I'm searching for that one thing I did yesterday that tipped the scales in my favor.
Today people have been doing this; they walk silently up to me, stare intently at my mouth and say "hey, it's coming" or "I can actually see it". I was cheered by seeing David Beckham's weedy 'stache on TV today. He's a style icon, after all.
Just realised I've forgotten to give the Mustaches for Kids website. It's:
All the rules and details about the events are on there, and totally inspiring pictures of mustaches.
Status: better than nothing. Day 4 means that I have broken the back of my first week. I'm on eighth of the way to my goal. If it keeps growing at this rate, I think I can almost half an inch. That's enough to twirl evilly!
Ali "Handlebars" King
Sunday, November 21, 2004, 11:40 PM
Day 7: www.m4kny.org BE A MAN! It hit me; who has mustaches? Men. How do you get a great mustache? Do man stuff. With this in mind, on Friday I got inappropriately drunk. Saturday morning I was hung-over and whined about it. Then I left emasculated, liberal New York and took a trip to the 'burbs of Chicago to visit my wife's grandparents. I took the opportunity to eat as much meat as possible. And not the girly cuts; I'm talking steak, chops and legs. Sunday we went shooting. Turns out that men with mustaches can be found in gun clubs. I was quite good at shooting, I think this is a good omen.
I did not, however, work up the courage to tell Caroline's Granddad about the mustache and he didn't notice it. To be fair I hadn't shaved the rest of my face, so it didn't stand out. I was also not singled out for extra security checks at O'Hare airport. I don't know what the Hell those people are thinking of. I mean surely I look a little sketchier? Don't I deserve a pat down?
Status: It feels purty. I can hardly leave off stroking it. Also I have reached a milestone today. Caroline turned to me and said: "Your stupid mustache looks stupid". I'd been waiting for something like this all week. She said that, especially in profile, it makes me look old. It's very gratifying. I told her it was for the kids. The next significant one I'm waiting for is: "Keep that thing away from me". It's only a matter of time.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Tuesday, November 23, 2004, 11:29 AM
Day 7: CHECKPOINT #1
Consider this Monday's report. The checkpoints are an opportunity to meet with fellow growers, big-up each other's sweet 'staches, swap war stories and tactics, and all manner of other narcissistic, vaguely homoerotic male bonding activities.
The founding member of the NY MustachesForKids, Pirate, is similarly light-haired and assured me that the blonde mustaches creep up in the last weeks. Dark-'stached Mitch, another of the M4KNY royal family, proclaimed himself a "shower not a grower". From experience, apparently his already impressive cookie-duster will not get a lot better. Anyway it was great to be surrounded by supportive comrades; I like to think we looked like a group of rather dapper young men: rather than a bunch of paedos.
Status: Fair. I'm actually heartened by the experience and the comparison to my fellow growers. It's true that the predominance of blonde in my 'stache makes it less visible, but the hairs themselves are as long or longer than a lot of the others'.
I Apple NY
Tuesday, November 30, 2004, 07:09 PM
Over Thanksgiving, Jake, co-founder of I Apple NY, had the opportunity to leave the I Apple NY compound to get some fresh air. He used this time to check in on Handlebars, official Grower of I Apple NY. Jake is happy to report that he thinks I Apple NY may have backed the right horse. Not only was the stache beginning to look quite thick and full, but it was able to hold a respectable amount of wing sauce, after Handlebars and Jake partook in some hot wings at Down the Hatch. Luckily, a pitcher of bud light was able to prevent any permanent orange discoloration.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Thursday, December 2, 2004, 10:44 AM
Day...um...18: I am a mustachioed man.
I came back to the city after Thanksgiving to find problems with my computer, hence the lack of postings. It's still not back, so this is a from-work brief update. It's funny, but I think every internet diary of this nature I've read has had some largish technical difficulty at some point. Notables are Stinkymeat, StinkyFeet and Date my Sister.
But enough about that! What about the 'stache? I'm excited, but I should keep this short, I'll try to limit myself to a
Status: Bristly.
Thanksgiving made all the difference, I think maybe the holiday cheer helped. I now clearly HAVE a mustache, rather the sad state before when I was TRYINGTOGROW a mustache. Since last update I have reached several milestones:
-Caroline said she "couldn't take me seriously with that thing". -My Boss also said this.
-I got some food caught in it and didn't notice for a while! -Several people said I looked untrustworthy.
**__Thanks to JakeAppleNYC for his in-person support.__**
Rollie Fingers
Sunday, December 5, 2004, 07:57 PM
Handlebars, I think it is admirable that you choose to become stached not only for your own personal gain, but for the good of the kids. When I grew my mustache, I figured it would be a good place to keep some extra vaseline, but never did I dream I could help children. What do you think has been your greatest obstacle in growing your mustache? Also, do you carry a mustache comb?
Ali "Handlebars" King
Tuesday, December 7, 2004, 11:02 PM
Day 23: Paging Mr King...This is your wake up call...
I was a little complacent in my last post. Sure, I'm a guy with a mustache. I am not, however, the guy with the best mustache. And that is what is going to count in the final analysis. Yep, I had another checkpoint last night. There were some great looking mustaches, but more than that, there were men who's mustaches owned them. It made me realize that the race isn't over yet. Photos of me and all the growers have now been posted on the MustachesForKids website. Notice how we get sleazier as we get hairier.
So I was searching on the internet for things which, according to folk lore, would help grow hair. I found an awful lot of things to put hair on the chest or make the hair curl and, although there was nothing specific to mustaches, I think I'll be giving these a try. Stuff like bread crusts, fried things, anything spicy, cold showers.
This weekend, I was at a party where I knew literally nobody. No one mentioned the growth, in the same way as you might pretend not to notice a disfigurement or a large zit. Not sure whether to be pleased or perturbed.
Mr Fingers. Thank-you for your queries and useful ideas about vaseline. My greatest obstacle was, and continues to be the blondness; it's almost the same colour as my skin. I don't carry a mustache comb and I must admit I have no idea where I'd get one. But I do brush it twice a day with an old toothbrush.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Wednesday, December 8, 2004, 11:55 PM
Day 24: ...woozy...
Like a teenage boy, I've become obsessed with measuring it. The favoured method is to work a piece of card between the hairs and then mark where they come to with a Sharpie marker. The fumes have made me slightly light-headed ...mmm...sharpie.
Today I've mostly been fantasizing about how to preserve the 'stache for future generations. What I'd really like to do is remove it whole from my face (somehow) and seal it in a perfect cube of clear resin. However, I'm open to any suggestions. Could it be made into a false mustache? Or spun into wool for a tiny, tiny sweater?
Status: You didn't think I'd leave you hanging, did you? It's 6mm long! Thats a quarter-inch baby! That translates (easy math) to a millimeter every 4 days. I'm not going to complain about that.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Friday, December 10, 2004, 10:12 AM
Day 25: One week to go.
One more week till competition night. It's time to get my game face on. I believe the 5 competition rounds aren't finalized yet, but from my investigations I'm somewhat sure what to expect:
Mustache and the Man - the whole package
Some kind of mustache pose-down
A Q&A round?
Beer foam retention.
?
The whole thing is a bit like Miss Universe. Now I know my mustache won't match up in a cold-blooded comparison, so I need to push for the whole package round. Also my mustache is sparser and longer than some, which I think may give me the edge in Foam Retention. I've been practicing. I think this weekend I'll take a long hard look at the 'stache and go find myself a costume that will complement it. Who would have a mustache like this?
Ali "Handlebars" King
Sunday, December 12, 2004, 10:59 AM
Day 28: 4th Week Depression
I wonder how long it would take to get fully used to having a mustache. How long before you don't look it in the mirror and feel slightly surprised to see it there? There is an oddly anticlimactic feeling about this last week. I guess that's because I can't see any progress, it just looks the same. It's very much like a period of weight loss or muscle building; there was some immediate results that only I could notice, then some that other people noticed and then - this. A rut.
Burt Reynolds
Tuesday, December 14, 2004, 07:56 PM
Handlebars, don't let the wall you've hit get you down. It happens to the best of us. I remember when I shaved my stache to film "The Longest Yard." I never thought I'd get it back to normal. Then the day before we started shooting "Cannonball Run," BOOM! It finally filled out, and just when I needed it to. I suspect that if you just keep the faith, your stache will come through just in time for you to do something great. Just in time for you to create your masterpiece, to go on your own cannonball run.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Wednesday, December 15, 2004, 11:38 AM
Day 31: Or countdown day: 1
Burt, Thank-you. Sometimes it's easy to forget that a mighty 'stache like yours began as a humble acorn too. Really puts things in perspective.
I managed to drag myself out of self-pity by a. Creating a costume for the Stache Bash and b. Collecting money for the kids.
The costume is just weird enough to make me a little nervous about wearing it, it may even shake up jaded mustachios who think they've seen it all.
I did the big push for sponsorship around the office that I've been planning. I fashioned a cookie-cutter in the exact shape of my mustache and made a batch of rather nasty cookies in the exact color (and flavor, unfortunately) of my mustache. With this powerful promo tool at my disposal, I went desk to desk. At a final count, I got almost $800 from the office alone. That's a lot better than I hoped for, so I'm very pleased. For the kids.
Ali "Handlebars" King
Friday, December 17, 2004, 03:19 AM
Last night, I was visited by three spirits: the ghosts of mustaches past, present and future.
The first showed me visions of my past facial hair - mustaches that lasted for 10 minutes while I was shaving off my ChristmasBeard. How wrong I was to be ashamed. I see that now.
The second showed me many of the beautiful mustaches in the world today, and also the sadness of so many men who want to grow a sweet 'stache, but dare not because of social pressure. I felt their pain, I realized how lucky I was to have been given this calling.
The third showed me a bleak future indeed. A world where the option to grow a mustache was no longer every man's right. Where all facial hair was banned. "Spirit!" I cried. "Are these things that may come to pass, or things that will come to pass?" The ghost said nothing. He wasn't much of a talker. "Are these visions what will happen if I don't let my sweet 'stache be all that it freakin can be?" I asked. I think maybe that he nodded. Then he was gone and I fell into a fitful slumber.
I awoke to the sound of church-bells. In a panic I ran to the window and threw it open. "You! Boy!" I yelled to an urchin on the street. "What day is it today?"
He looked up: "What day? Why, Mustaches for Kids(tm) Sweetest 'Stache Bash(tm) Competition day of course!"
Competition day! I wasn't too late; the spirits had all worked their magic in one night! I faced the day ready to keep a mustache in my heart all year round.
************
In the next exciting installment: What happened at the 'Stache Bash. You won't believe the surprise twist!
Ali "Handlebars" King
Friday, December 17, 2004, 03:10 PM
'Stache Bash: What went down.
The day passed in a blur and before I knew it, it was time to pit my mustache against those of my hairy brothers. Mano a mano; labio al labio. Costumes were encouraged and I felt that there was an envelope to be pushed here. How do you shock jaded veteran growers and judges who've seen it all? I opted for a simple and stylish black skirt and jacket, a pearl choker and a Sherlock Holmes style pipe. Nice.
Five grueling rounds were to follow: rounds which, I believe, would have shamed the International Olympic committee for refusing to recognize mustache growing as a sport.
Round 1: The Walk past. If the rest of the event was Miss Universe, this was pure dog-show. Mustaches called to heel and paraded for the judges. Other Growers used this as an opportunity to suck up to the Judges. I was kicking myself that I didn't. Grower Josh, dressed as a Gyro Seller(complete with gyro) really distinguished himself this round.
Round 2: Mustache Q&A. Not an easy task, growers were put on the spot to answer questions from a hat. Great work all round from my fellow growers, answering questions such as "When you shave your mustache, where does it go?" or "What sport, video game or board game is your mustache most like, and why?". "Game Hunter" Grower(and founding member) Mitch was a stand-out, but my personal favorite in this round was Grower Joel, who came as a Russian pro-grower. He even had a trainer and translator in tow. There were jealous murmurings amongst the competitors, we all wished we'd thought of that.
Round 3: Item round. We were given random objects and asked to relate them to our 'staches for the crowd. I got a toilet roll holder, which I was pleased with. Others were less lucky with their object, but there were some very touching stories.
Round 4: Beer Foam! Huge debacle. The beer used was not Guinness! The idea was to hold as much foam as possible in one's 'stache: but without the stout, most Growers got nothing. I believe I got some, I'm not sure. Grower Brendan was probably the best of a bad bunch.
We waited for the judges' decision, who would be the final three? Apparently the choice was so close they had to flip a coin to distinguish third and forth. The final three: Hunter Mitch, Gyro Josh and Cross-Dressing Englishman Me.
Round 5: THE FINAL ROUND. We each had 30 seconds to give our mustache a pep-talk. Mitch gave a stirring All-American soliloquy, hunter to the core; although he didn't hear that he had gone over time because he was under the pool table. Josh gave a shout out to all hairy men, I think all the growers were touched. I gave a short stilted address to the hair on my face. We British aren't terribly good at pep-talks; I simply said - stay the course, you can do it, and stiff upper lip old boy, stiff upper lip.
Long story short, if it isn't too late for that, I won. I still can't believe it. I am the Mustache King of New York. And that's not all, I also raised the most money, at the moment an estimated $1600 for the kids. At the end of the day, I feel like I did one for the little guys, the blonde guys, the guys who's mustaches ain't that great. My mustache wasn't the biggest, the bushiest or the fastest to grow in; but last night maybe, just maybe, it was the sweetest. At least that's what my sash says.
Bob Goulet
Friday, December 17, 2004, 03:17 PM
Handlebars, enough keeping us in suspense! I'm sitting here in the hot tub with Cheech Marin and Ron Jeremy, and we simply can wait no longer to hear the exciting conclusion of your journey through mustachedom. Cheech was just telling us about a dream he had that was strikingly similar to yours. At least Ron and I think it was a dream. Cheech insists that it happened while he was awake. So I have to know, what happened? And Cheech would like to know if you plan to keep the stache post-competition (the three of us think you should!). Oh, and finally, Ron would like to know if you are currently employed!
Keith Hernandez
Friday, December 17, 2004, 03:30 PM
Handlebars, let me be the first to congratulate you on your stunning victory! As far as I'm concerned, this is your 1986 World Series. By the way, nice work with the beer foam. Although I have a sweet stache, I've never been good with the beer foam, though I did once manage to get over a gram of coke stuck in this bush. On behalf of Rollie, Burt, Bob, Cheech and Ron, I would like to wish that your mustache bring you as much success in your career as it has for us. You have now joined us as one of the mustache gods!
Ali "Handlebars" King
Sunday, December 19, 2004, 08:24 PM
The mustache and beyond!
Gentle reader. The mustache, the prize-winning sweetest freakin 'stache in NYC, is no longer on my face. But fear not! It's not gone, rather I have preserved it in candlewax to maintain it's original shape. The next step will be to freeze the whole thing in clear resin; a free-floating mustache without a man. Then I will be lobbying to have the mustache sealed in the time-capsule satellite of the KEO Project so that in 50 thousand years, future generations will know that we used to have hair upon our faces and that it was good. Or maybe the primative future people will fear and worship the 'stache as a God. Either way is fine for me.
Queen Elizabeth II of England
Monday, December 20, 2004, 05:16 AM
We would like to congratulate you, Handlebars, for your sterling work in upholding the great British traditions of Facial-Hair-Growing and Cross-Dressing. You have done your nation proud and put England back on the international map. Too long have we lived in the shadow of the USA and now, finally, we can stand proud and say. "We stuck it to them damn Yankees!" If you ever return to England's fair shores then you shall be made a Knight of Realm and children shall scatter rose petals at your feet.
Finally, you have inspired me. Too long have I been secretly shaving my upper lip to pander to the nay-sayers. They said that the World wasn't ready for a Queen with a mustache. You, Ali, have proved them all so very wrong. For that we are forever in your debt.
]]>Day 15: Stache Checkpoint 2
http://www.runingman.com/m4k/index.php?entry=entry051202-001013
I'm invulnerable. I walked into the Lighthouse tavern ( in Park Slope: a delightful establishment except for their habit of charging five-fitty for a beer instead of rounding to the dollar - I'm not saying I'd rather pay 6, but coins have no place at the bar) for this weeks checkpoint and saw probably 15 guys with better staches than mine. Some had joined late and only been growing for a week, still better than mine. Women who I had never met before, mocked my stache openly.
But here's the thing: I didn't care. My stache is protecting me like a shield of steel. With my stache looking out for me the world is my freakin oyster.
Checkpoint was good, I only stayed for a couple hours because I was exhausted from the weeks growing exertions. I did stay long enough to check out my beer foam retention, which is coming along nicely. Beer foam retention is the one area where the sparse mustache has an advantage: maybe because there's more space between the hairs. The other great thing was the sheer number of growers this year. The Stache bash promises to be both awesome and a little scary.
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